When I Was a Lad

When I was a lad I went to Yale,
And I knew then that I could never fail
For I studied very hard and furthermore,
I polished up the apple for the professor
(He polished up the apple for the professor)
I polished up the apple so frequently,
That soon I had a Phi Beta Kappa Key
(He soon had a Phi Beta Kappa key,
From polishing the apple very frequently)

On graduation day I made a stop
At a very exclusive clothing shop
I opened up a charge account and asked them for
The best grade flannel in the clothing store
(The best grade flannel in the clothing store)
That suit was a part of a great intrigue,
For it proved I was a member of the Ivy League
(It was part of a great intrigue,
For it proved he was a member of the Ivy League)

Then I got a crew cut and a sincere tie,
And for my first job I did apply
A job in an advertising agency,
Sharpening the pencils of a big VP
(Oh he honed a lot of pencils for a big VP)
I sharpened all the pencils so pointedly,
That now I am a partner in the agency
(He sharpened all the pencils so pointedly,
That now he is a member of the agency)

I kept my ears open and my big mouth shut,
And I learned all the agency's scuttlebutt
I learned who was going out with whom,
And who had the keys to the powder room
(And who had the keys to the powder room)
For the key to the powder room you see,
Is the key to the structure of the agency
(The key to the powder room is the key
To the structure of the agency)

I worked real hard for the dear old firm,
I learned most every advertising term
I said to the men in the dark gray suits,
"Let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes"
(Let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes)
I ran it up the flagpole perfectly,
So now I am a partner in the agency
(He ran it up the flagpole perfectly,
So now he is a partner in the agency)

Now I have a big office at the end of the hall,
With very fancy carpeting from wall to wall
I keep my mouth open and I keep my ears shut,
And I've got a little palace in Connecticut
(And he's got a little palace in Connecticut)
So I thank old Yale, and I thank the Lord,
And I also thank my father who was Chairman of the Board,
(And he's grateful to his father,
Yes he's grateful to his father,
Yes he's grateful to his father,
Who was Chairman of the Board)