The Evolution of Gayness
No homo
Boom bye bye in the batty boy head
No homo and I’m all about my money
The shots fly, now the batty guy lie dead
They say “No homo!” I say “No, homophobe
Get it straight – it’s in the chromosomes”
They say “But my religion says it’s a sin”
I say “Sell your daughter into slavery then”
They say “It’s unnatural, it makes me uneasy”
I say “Actually it’s found in four-hundred species
“But same-sex mating is an aberration”
Okay then, it’s the evolution of gayness
Natural selection offers explanations for
Every behaviour and complex form
That’s something I often say when I’m on a stage
And people always say “okay, but what about the gays?”
Yup, there’s no exceptions, only limitations
To how much information we’ve accumulated
So far at least on each specific question
The origins of “gayness” is one of the best ones
Twin studies suggests that it’s partially genetic
But if that’s a definite, then how would you spread it?
Ooh, that’s why I love science, ‘cause it loves a mystery
How can you spread a gene that limits your fertility?
Many different threads of evidence are coalescent
But so far it’s just suggestive with no consensus
Still, it kinda illustrates the scientific method
So I’ll break down the top four hypotheses in question
They say “No homo!” I say “No, homophobe
Get it straight – it’s in the chromosomes”
They say “But my religion says it’s a sin”
I say “Sell your daughter into slavery then”
They say “It’s unnatural, it makes me uneasy”
I say “Actually it’s found in four-hundred species
“But same-sex mating is an aberration”
Okay then, it’s the evolution of gayness
Hypothesis one: gays are a non-reproductive caste
Like we find in termites and naked mole rats
To me though, that doesn’t seem convincing
‘Cause gay people don’t obsessively feed their breeding siblings
Hypothesis two: it’s a social lubricant
That’s used to smooth tension, instead of fighting we smooch with them
You’ll find guy-on-guy and girl-on-girl action
In bonobos and Asian stump-tailed macaques
And it’s a proven tactic, but they’re just bi-sexual
That’s the third hypothesis: that “homo” is side-effectual
Like with albatrosses, the females mate
With each other when there’s not enough males to pull their weight
But it’s not like “they just can’t find a man and get impatient”
They’re fully same-sex mated – males are for insemination
And maybe lesbians who wanted babies made the same
Exception in the days before IVF and turkey basters
And on the flip side, we’ve got the “sneaky males”
In many species some males mimic females
So they can mate without having to compete with the alphas
Who guard females jealously and treat them like they’re helpless
I mean, ‘come on, I know guys who act gay
Until the girls let their guard down, and then they’re like “heeyyy!”
Which may explain why some of the biggest homophobes
Are alpha gorilla types on a testosterone overdose, who say
No homo
Boom bye bye in the batty boy head
No homo and I’m all about my money
The shots fly, now the batty guy lie dead
Hypothesis four tackles pure homosexual bliss
And it mostly consists of genetic tricks
‘Cause some genes are paired up as recessives and dominants
And dominants, by definition, get expressed with prominence
But sometimes you’re better off with both different types
‘Cause it might, for instance, protect you from parasites
So gayness could spread by heterozygote advantage
If it’s connected to some other benefit that’s adaptive
And a similar path would be for it to get expressed
As a massive benefit, but for the opposite sex
If a gene gave males a homosexual proclivity
But it gave females a massive increase in fertility
Then it could spread with ease, and if you raise objections
And say “genetic explanations are so oppressive”
Would it really be so bad if gays were like albinos?
Maybe you see a justification for hate there, but I don’t
The real haters are those who say "it's just a simple choice"
And preach “rehabilitation,” with their luggage carried by rent boys
If it doesn’t cause harm then it shouldn’t face hatred
So why don’t we just make it 100% okay then?
They say “No homo!” I say “No, homophobe
Get it straight – it’s in the chromosomes”
They say “But my religion says it’s a sin”
I say “Sell your daughter into slavery then”
They say “It’s unnatural, it makes me uneasy”
I say “Actually it’s found in four-hundred species
“But same-sex mating is an aberration”
Okay then, it’s the evolution of gayness