First Letter Home

Mum, I've got a lot to tell you
Me and Chuck have had a bust up
Now, before you pull your hair out
Viv has given me a room

And I've met this film producer
Please don't laugh, his name is Sheldon
He says he can get my green card
Or his name's not Sheldon Bloom

Sheldon comes from California
And he wants to take me out there
Oh, thanks for your last letter
I was thrilled to hear from you

I'm enclosing fifty dollars
If you want that dress, then buy it
Oh, incidentally, Sheldon's mum
Likes Liberace, too!

There are lots of things I miss here
No one makes a normal sandwich
You need Goliath's mouth to try and
Get through one of them

Sheldon's got a house in Bel Air
Well, it's really a pink mansion
It's got electric gates and armed guards
And he calls it "La Boheme"
Mum, I don't know how to say this
But American men are different
They seem at first quite normal
But I really fear they're not
They're all buzzy and electric
And so proud to be neurotic
And the thought of growing older seems
To bother them a lot

Mum, New York is just amazing
I wish I could stay longer
But Sheldon's so dynamic he
Is sweeping me away
He is funny he is handsome strangely handsome
Well, there's no words to describe him
You can't imagine Sheldon Bloom
Unless you know LA