Talkin’ Alien Abduction Blues

I don't know what made me go out that night
At that hour I’d normally been in bed
But I found myself looking up at the sky
And a very bright light straight overhead
It flashed green, then red... Santa Claus colors

I stood there frozen in that light
Then I started hearing this kind of a whir
The lights got louder and the noise got brighter
And I felt a sudden chill--brrr
It was cold... I shouldn’t have gone out with a coat
My Mom was right again

Then this old big old spaceship floated down
And hovered three feet above the earth
Never been so scared in all my life
Could’ve given spontaneous birth
If I was a woman... and pregnant

Then these two little guys about 4 feet tall
Jumped off that space-age Greyhound bus
They grabbed by the arms and said
"Start walking Dan, you’re coming with us."
Abduction
They didn’t actually speak, but I understood ‘em
Telepathy

The strapped down to this metal crate
Took out this 35-foot-long hose
This said, "Don't worry, this won’t hurt."
Then they stuck that sucker up my nose
All the way up
I knew my nose was long, but... this was a surprise

They examined me from head to toe
Stuck prods in every orifice
This cold gray box came and gave me a kiss
Then extracted a couple of quarts of piss
I felt dehydrated

Then they waved this wand all around my head, said
"Now we’re reading your brain, you see
You got an awful lot of songs in there
Though it seems they're all in the key of G"

I said, "What about Marilyn? That’s in D."
They said, "D flat, actually"
I said, "Yeah, 'cause I tune down a half a step. What about Hannibal?"
They said, "What about Hannibal?"
I said, "Well, technically it's in G but it's really a dropped D tuning capo’d up."

They said, "How come you don’t play the harmonica more?"
I said, "How come I‘m in a spaceship talking to aliens about my act?"
They said, "We’d rather talk physics, but you're illiterate there."
Couldn’t argue

They dropped me some place in Brazil
Took a month to get back to the U.S.A
When I told my friends what I’d been through
No one believed what I had to say
That sucked
It's to be expected though
Most people think "Hannibal"’s in straight tuning

Well, my life’s back to normal now
I do the things I always do
‘Cept once a week I meet with twelve other folks who've been abducted too
I tell my story, they tell theirs
I don’t believe them, though