Crash Bandicoot vs. Neo Cortex
[Intro: Dan Bull]
It's the Bull- Dan Bull
With my mate age, SAV-age
We're gonna go back in time now
Way back, to when it was still socially acceptable
For an anthropomorphic marsupial to wear high-tops!
[Chorus: SAV]
'Cause I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
Big red haired animal with pants and shoes
You don't really know me for my dancing moves
Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!
I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
I said Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!
[Verse 1: SAV]
They call me Crash B-B-Bandicoot
Big red haired animal with pants and shoes
My genetics were enhanced in a lab
By two N. Sane scientists, I knew what I had to do
(Break free)
I've got to think quick and run
From the doctors and wow, I can spin, kick and jump
Running through the lab like a young George Best
I can reach a vortex, just three or four steps
Standing in my way I can see a forehead
My creator, my nemesis, Neo Cortex
He's a nearly bald man with a goatee
With a big 'N' on his head
And 'O' 'B' are the two letters that are kept in his coat, see
'N.O.B.' would look better for the slow readers
Running through the levels where rocks are rolling there
I'm dodging fire, riding on hogs and polar bears
And I haven't got a care when I grab an Aku Aku
'Cause you ain't gonna hurt me when
(Ooga booga!)
Thank you!
There's lots to fear, see
I'm dodging TNT and boxes that are green
But wait, I've got to pause for a slo-mo
Eyebrows up and down always, I'm loco
Man, I should be armed with a GoPro
You can watch me while I'm searching for Tawna and Coco
I should be at a disco with friends
Instead I'm collecting these crystals and gems
No pistols or anything vicious
'Cause this is for kids, but us kids are now men
Equip me with anything, watch me come for you
My bazooka is shooting you with a Wumpa fruit
Forget your five a day, I got a hundred too
That'll puncture through you, you'll need a number two
[Chorus: SAV]
'Cause I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
Big red haired animal with pants and shoes
You don't really know me for my dancing moves
Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!
I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
I said Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!
[Verse 2: Dan Bull]
My birth certificate says Neo Periwinkle Cortex
The best nemesis that ever did draw breath
Perfectionist, vivisectionist with a special gift
For resurrecting minions from any critters, pets and shit
But I bet I never win a nobel prize
I presume they've got a policy: No bad guys
If you don't know me, I'm the mojo thief
Giving loads of grief to boatloads of peeps
Because they're so beneath me, nobody sees
As deeply as the scope of my rogueish schemes
In preschool I was the recipient of ridicule
Pretty please do tell me now: Who's the silly fool?
When I minimize the planet 'til it's miniscule
Making the Pacific Ocean fit into the kiddy pool
You're a little waste of energy, so I kilojoule
You must admit it, isn't being an evil villain cool?
If I look like a stereotypical bad guy
The reason is because I am one, that's why
But far more than a mere mad scientist
Rewiring household appliances
I am the vilest nihilist, tirelessly riotous
Fracturing alliances, confirming biases
Cultivating viruses, causing mild psoriasis
Yes I'm getting under your skin, like an itch
I am an antagonist, like Dan is to Savage
That's just how I cope with my emotional baggage
Do you know how it feels to have a head so massive
You can walk down the pavement and still stop traffic?
Remastered with Nil block graphics
Twenty years on and we still drop classics
The mic's real hot but I will not pass it
So go and shout it from the hilltops, SAV, it's
[Chorus: SAV]
'Cause I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
Big red haired animal with pants and shoes
You don't really know me for my dancing moves
Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!
I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
I said Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
I'm Crash
B-B-Bandicoot
Now everywhere I go, they shout: Bandicoot!
[Outro: Dan Bull]
I rather enjoyed that
Do you know I never actually played Crash Bandicoot?
I pretty much just... reworded the Wikipedia article on Neo Cortex
So it rhymed a bit better
That's essentially my job