A Phantom Menace

Phantoms from a phantom planet
Phantoms from outer space
You'll never see them, but you’ll know they're here
Ghosts from a ghostly ghastly world
With only one thing on their minds
Procreating with shapely young coeds
And someone needs to stop them
But who?
But how?
They need to be stopped
But bullets go right through them
Iron bars can't hold them
And that sheriff with the big gold tooth
He says he’ll stop them, but how?
The entire police department of Jackson County
Tried it once, tried it twice
And failed and failed and failed

How can a middle age, overweight, balding sheriff with asthma expect to do any better?
He can't
It's as simple as that
He can't, he can't, he cannot

Phantoms from a phantom planet
Ghostly ghosts from a ghastly world
We've tried to reason with them, heaven knows
They just don't listen
They just don't
And I don’t know how they died
And frankly I don’t care
My main focus, my main concern
Is for those young coeds at Evergreen College