I, Pallbearer

The view outside my window changed a lot since I was a child
Like all the years we buried, vanishing forever
Cause also grief is just love with no place to go
Like all the years we buried, this place is death

There’s a thing you should know about me
I am and have always been this deeply sad man
So, I am both, laughing and crying at the same time
And still trying to discover how that could be

I’m pretty sure growing old will kill me
Slowly, but steadily, in two different ways
As I’m still the one with the saddest smile
I hate being bipolar, it’s fucking awesome

The firstborn died by his own hands
My oldest friend found a rope that bore
And I know I’ll definitely also not die
By staring out in the pouring rain

Nobody ever tells you that emptiness weighs most
When there’s a void inside that can’t be filled
Cause it’s not a single stab wound that kills me
It’s a thousand paper cuts on every single day

The heart dies a slow death
And all our dreams dash fast
But I wonder if you changed your minds
The moment you knew you’d die
And I’m totally aware that my pain
Is nothing when compared to yours
But cleaning out your apartment
Was way harder than your funeral

One more psychosis then I am also finally done
Cause the more I sleep, the less I dream
And then at night I drink and clean my gun
It’s me who should be dead, not you…