The Juggler

There’s just so much to do you know
I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where it ends
You know just more work, more things, more responsibility
It’s taxing man, it’s taxing, a never-ending cycle and I just hold it in
I don’t, I don’t have a way of, of getting it out

I’m tryna find the balance in a tilted world
On the road to peace my mind takes a different turn
Anxiety’s a parasite, so I don’t sleep enough
So much on my plate but I never eat enough
Phone ringing, friends calling
Work audits, debt callers, mental blockage
Back aching, socials popping
More plaudits, more dollars, but more problems
My to-do list is so infinite
Always new problems so I never get to finish shit
And I feel weak if I confess what I’m dealing with
Cause I’m the one they depend on to bring to digits in
Every night I’m fidgeting
Mind like a fidget spinner, losing grip on diligence
Told her I can’t love her cause I don’t know what commitment is
Missing out on family time to sharpen up my penmanship
All the sacrifices bringing darkness to my temperament
I don’t know when I’ll get a break
My responsibilities are growing everyday
Sometimes I wonder how I’ll make it to the dream state
Sometimes I wish I could revert to my teen ways
Sometimes I wonder what my Mom would think of me today
She ain’t here to steer me right, when I deviate
I’m running faster when I need to remediate
But when I stop to take a break, I feel me dreams delayed, damn

I mean you dream of dreams coming true, and then they come to you and then you’re like this is a lot
You know. It feels weird. It feels awkward, It feels guilty. Like why do I feel that way? This is what you always wanted, right?
And like, this is what you wanted. And now you’re stressed

Constantly overwhelmed, that’s the price that I’ve paid
Tryna be legendary and put myself with the greats
I could be in the circus way I be spending my days
The master juggler tryna do it all ’til he breaks
Gotta grandpa in Nigeria that needs medications
Gotta make sure that he’s straight or my guilt can’t take it
Anytime the pressure builds I just seek fornication
When I comes to overthinking I don’t know moderation
I be questioning my talent so I need validation
I be out of the loop with these social engagements
I be needing updates like an old application
Gotta enough on my plate so I’m rather evasive
I don’t know if love will find me and it has me impatient
I don’t know if I’m worthy of the audiences praises
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m tryna do it all
My thirst for respite is ignored

I’m tryna find the silver lining in the shallow ground
But digging deeper is the only way that gold is found
The truest thoughts are the ones I never say aloud
My soul is never free, so my mind is running wild
It’s only getting harder as I climb
The more I travel up, the more there’s nobody around
If I cry now at least they won’t hear a sound

I feel addicted. I feed addicted to the feeling of thinking and thinking about the same thing over and over again
And I, and I know that shit won’t help me. I, I know it’s pointless, but ‘Im caught up in the loop that’s all I mind really knows. And I’m tryna get away from it

I need to give myself some grace
There’s only so much one man can do everyday
I pray to God to extend the distance of my race
But if he says my time is up then I accept my fate
So many blessings in my life that I ain’t soaking in
Cause having more to do is where I’m always focusing
I got some people that will help me if I rope ‘em in
I need to discard my grudges ‘stead of holding them
I need to give myself some grace
If not anxiety will never be replaced
Thinking constantly ‘bout everything I can’t control
There ain’t use for it, so why you scared to let it go
Im tryna breathe, but the air keeps getting thin on me
Im tryna walk then the world starts to spin on me
I run from evil but the devil keeping tabs on me
My saving is grace is that God has a plan for me, he does

I just, I just find it hard to ask for help sometimes, I don’t know. I feel the burden so I guess I think that asking somebody for help will make me a burden to them and I, I guess I don’t wanna repeat the cycle, you know. But I need help. I need it. I need it. And that’s, that’s what I, I just gotta accept that I need help

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Mr Gana, Mr. Gana
Yes, Yes
Your flight boards in five minutes
Thank you. Sorry about that I just had a lot on my mind
I understand. Busy life?
Yeah. It’s just, I gotta question? Do you ever get scared that you won’t get to see it all?
Umm, not really. I mean there’s always more to see, but I’m so grateful cause look at where I’ve been