Devil In The Attic
It’s the bad old days
When young ladies are possessions
And they haven’t any agency
Decision nor discretion
And we’ve got the choicest one
Right here: our famous daughter
A jewel that mustn’t fall to
Any robber or marauder
She’s the gilding on our fortune but
A portion of her beauty
Would be plenty to entice the finest
Thus we’re snooty
Got my "who do you think is good
Enough for my little girl" on
‘cause you know the whole world’s wide
The whole world’s long
And in the expanse of it
She might be the most valuable
We keep her in the house until
She’s wed she might be malleable
She might take up with interests there’d
Be no marrying her then
To the very, very handsomest of men
Listen, it’s a burden being wealthy
But the rumors I collect
Indicate there is a suitor who
Could be without defect
So beautiful of feature that
He matches the bride
Now he’s courting in the evenings
I hope stars could align (collide)
Anything you could have, we have it
Even got a devil in the attic
Now these are the grand old evenings
For a couple of reasons
The beautifullest boy has got
My daughter feeling feelings
(through a fence, and there’s chaperones
Don’t think us dullards)
In protection of our asset
We keep her visage covered
And his family’s intent to do the
Same they stay in shadow
But tonight’s the night it happens!
Please don’t think us shallow
We’re excited to inspect him
All we’ve heard, he’s such a prize
They’ll be wedded in our parlor once
She looks into his eyes
Not an invited guest
More like a secretive squatter
I’m here to appear, disappear
Create fear inside your daughter
She's mine i got dibs had
Them ever since the crib
I laugh at your decision to fib when
She's not even yours to give
I'm a ghost, a spirit
A deity my reality is your realty
I can cause quite a commotion
If your notion isn’t fealty
So send me up a BLT, and if you’re thorough
A Sapporo i'll forget you let her think she
Was ever something to be borrowed
This union's got me fuming
Cause a racket in the attic
I'll malign your mansion
Make it collapse and cause a panic
I can be satanic i suggest
You profess your allegiance
Or expect an attic avalanche
Of malevolent malfeasance
I asked the groom to choose his
Doom: "Your life or your face"
Anyone would pick the latter
You pick the former, you can’t replace
The vain would rather die but
The groom chose his life
But will his wife like his type now that
His face was a fright? Not quite!
Oh, fate! This is a tragedy of a face, son
But we’re sadder for our daughter
Who’s got this abomination
For a husband he’s all busted up and ruined
Wish we’d seen him in his glory
Wish this could’ve been a happy story
As the high class people our
Whole family used to be
I must apologize for hosting
The mostly demon-free
(except for the one exception) ruined
Evening of the wedding
The other father fled it early
Please convey to him my deep regretting
Actually, I’ve been here the whole
Time i was just
Admiring these sliding screen doors
These are nice, how do you slam these?