I Saw Mommy

[intro]
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas to you
I just came from a party
That was wonderful and very nice
And I wish to you all [a] merry, merry Christmas

[Verse 1]
1987 Christmas eve in Pennsylvania
When someone mentions Christmas it's the one I always think of
My momma told me in my bunk, she told me that I may hear
Sleigh bells on the roof
If you awake you better play dead
I make cookies for the reindeer
And you might run em off if they see you (whatever)
Teasin', as if Santa comes at all, said "Good night
Love you, Ma, when you think you gonna wake us? I'm so anxious"
I told you silly, 7:30, 8-ish
It's hard to practice patience while I'm guessing' on my presents
I asked 'em for a Michael Jackson glove, a couple (?) now I'm restless
I whispered at my brother but he's sleepin'
Didn't think I would be able to
I woke up from a dream and seen a closet 3am
I know I need to try to shut
My eyes and cover up
But I just want to climb under this bunk and try and look
And maybe get a glimpse of Santa Claus (Santa?)
It might be meant for me to be the only kid that does
But I was dumb, using my imagination
I know the right thing to do was climb back in the blankets
Right when I was ready, changing my mind
Something unbelievable happened
It's hard to fathom, explain and describe
You ever heard the saying, "Silence is loud?"
Well if someone's behind you or right beside you
Trying to guide you to sound
Wasn't certain you heard
Even harder to prove
I hear harnesses soothe
Crossin' on top of my roof
Gotta be smooth and maneuver
Your door squeaks when it opens
Tiptoein', it's risky, get to the hallway and notice
I close my eyes before I got to the overlook
Butterflies overtook to my body (1, 2, 3, 4...!)
I count to 5 and I open 'em
Holy fuck, holy fuck, its Santa!
He's standing below me (Santa)
I'm staring breathless
His presence is fluoresced and he's glowin'
And I know when my momma walked into the room where he was
She was nude, he started smootchin' her, using his tongue (fucking grose!)

[Hook]
I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus
On the living room floor (on the living room floor)
I will try and take her panties off
I can't witness no more
I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus

[Verse 2]
This can't be good for our 'ventual(?) self
Santa is standing inside of my house and his dick is out
When my mom put her lips around it to kiss it
That's when I yelled at the top of my lungs
"Santa get your liver-spotted dick off my mom!"
Santa was funny said, "Ho ho"
I screamed at my mom, suddenly she snapped at me
Get your ass back to sleep in your bunk
I said, "I saw the nasty things that you're doin'
I saw you goin' down on Santa
No wonder why you and dad are divorced"
Santa said, "Joy to the world!" (Shut up, Santa!)
My mom interrupted and tried explaining
I thought you and your brother were tucked in
I started drinking ('course you did) watching Christmas Vacation
Shoulda told you the truth
Didn't want to take the mystery o' Christmas away yet
You're just a kid and you were never meant to see that (No shit!)
See, back when dad stopped coming by on Christmas eve
That's when things happened
That would change the course of Christmases to come
It's hard to keep track what year it was when this begun (Who cares?)
But I was shocked like you when I saw Santa in the room
Mesmerized, he said my cookies were the best he ever tried (Your cookies?)
He let me ride the sled, we did a few deliveries
One lucky night he tried to take me through a chimney
And we got stuck inside and that's the year when this all started
Trapped inside a chimney in his arms (oh my god)
I feel my heart is beating (what!) out in my chest
Feelings that we compress (are you serious?)
Or I mean, are we all Mrs Claus or kids, an' I guess
'cause start the intimate kiss we had
I know you kids look at Santa like he's a saint (not anymore!)
Once I see him, I think of sex
"Momma, how can you look at his wrinkly ass?
I bet to see his dick you gotta lift up a crease of flab"
And she just laughed, and said
His belly ain't the only thing big and fat, you can trust me
I told her, "Fuck you, mom and you're disgusting"
This must be a terrible nightmare, I hope so
'Cuz Santa's a perv and mom's a Ho Ho, Ho!

[Hook]
I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus
On the living room floor (on the living room floor)
I will try and take her panties off
I can't witness no more
I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus

[Outro]