Holidays Are Different Now
What's up, fuckers? I have a five year old, so holidays are different now, having a kid. Last year, my wife came to me, she's like, ""Listen, when I was a kid, every year my mother would get this tradition. It was an advent calendar and you open it up and there's a piece of chocolate in every day, and every day until Christmas I'd get a piece of chocolate, and it was a really nice tradition. I'd like to do that with little Maxi, if you're okay with that."" I was like, ""Oh, my God, absolutely. That's a beautiful tradition. Let's do that."" I was like, ""We should do one of my traditions too, where 10 minutes into opening presents, you just stand up and go, 'We're never doing this again? It's Jesus' birthday. You ungrateful monsters.'"" And then pass out. Nothing.
Now this is the new thing. I fucking hate this. You need a religion, asshole. You need something. What are you going to do if you get attacked by a bear in the woods and it drags you out? What are you going to go, ""Nothing. I need nobody. I will just use the information from Joe Rogan's podcast. Just go screw yourself in an oven."" What if you lose your keys, you just going to let them go? No. You need Moses or Jesus. Help me find my keys, Saint whatever. What if you're having sex with somebody, it's not her and the rubber breaks. You just going to take the hit? No. You're going to be like, ""Jesus, please kill all my sperm in this girl's vagina. She has a dead tooth and a harelip. I met her in a Ronkonkomo. Please don't let this happen. Merry Christmas.
Plus I grew up Irish Catholic. Jesus was a big thing. We used to have a cake on Christmas, said, ""Happy birthday, Jesus."" I don't even know the guy. We're just celebrating His birthday. Five Irish Catholic uncles. I remember it was just tough. Everything you did, you were gay. I remember one year I got this art thing. My mother got me this painting thing, and I was so happy because I loved arts. I loved painting. And my uncle walked in, he's, ""What are you a fag painting paintings? Fag."" I was like, ""No, I'm nine."" I was painting me with my mom and no dad in a one bedroom. I'm sorry.
It's weird because I'm old now. The older you get, gifts suck. I got a dream catcher last year. I don't sleep. I have a deviated septum and acid reflux. And need a CPAP machine and Pepcid AC, not a dream catcher. Those holidays, what are holidays? Holidays are just little goals so we don't kill ourselves. You got a birthday, we go to Halloween, we make it to Christmas, we've got Easter, we're into summer, then we don't die. Halloween is awesome because I love it because scaring people is awesome. Scaring, oh my goodness, if you scare somebody really bad, you know because they get pissed. They get violently angry. I hid in my grandmother's closet for two hours. I jumped out. She was like, ""You cunt."" And then she died. Yeah, it was crazy. We put her on the porch in a rocking chair and just put a bucket of Snickers bars on her lap until Christmas. Then we put a hat on and left her there.
I don't have any money either. That's what sucks. Rich people have great Christmases. I don't have money. I always thought I'd be a millionaire because I know millionaires. I know comics that are just millionaires. But I'm a thousandaire. Isn't that a weird thing? I didn't get a Mercedes. I have a Honda CRV, Touring. It's a Touring. It's the best one. It effects everything. We can't even go on vacations. My friends go to South America, the Amazon jungle. I had one friend go to South Africa for a Safari. And I'm like, ""We go to Aruba. That's it."" We go to it every year, 20 years, Aruba every single year. One, because it's beautiful and it's cheap. Two, because it's safe. Two percent crime rate. I got to go somewhere if my wife gets kidnapped, I can't afford to get her back. You understand what I'm saying? They're going to be like, ""We want one million dollars or you'll never see her again."" I'd be like, ""I got 3,800 cash and a Honda CRV. It's Touring.""
My name's Robert Kelly, have a great night. Take care.