Phoebe’s Song

(Susan introducing the song)
Thank you so much
You know, I'd like to take this opportunity to bring down our drummer downstage, Phoebe Summersquash
I think she needs some encouragement. I think she's in shock right now
PHOEBE: Oh God, thanks
SUSAN: Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I'm, I'm blown away by your commitment to this project and my heart goes out to you. Maybe it's because I'm a trained actor and I, I'm aware of people and able to kind of get in their skin, you know, whether it be a plummer, or a drummer, and really kind of be there with you, that I was able to go, "Oh, my god, wow! You know, here's a woman who played this entire ..."
I should explain, Phoebe has played this entire show with explosive diarrhea and, god, I just wanted to call you out here and shine a light on you and say, wow, so amazing, thank you
PHOEBE -- Thanks
SUSAN -- Get my guitar
PHOEBE -- OK

(Song starts, still speaking)
You know, constipation is the physical manifestation of an emotional state...
(Singing)
...Where you can't let go
Of an inner debate
Phoebe's got that problem
Except in reverse
Some call it a blessing
Some call it the opposite of a blessing

Phoebe's got diarrhea and
She doesn't know how to tell the band
Will they kick her out?
Make her stay?
Nobody should have to live that way

(Speaking)
SUSAN: You know, I talked to Phoebe before the show backstage. She was in the bathroom and I came up to the door and I said, "(Knock, knock, knock) Everything OK in there?"
And I'll never forget what she said, do you remember?
PHOEBE: Ah, no...
SUSAN: She said, bbbblllllllllllllllllllllllllll (very long fart sound, with several breaks)

(Singing)
You've all come to see a show
PHOEBE (whispering): Hey Sarah, Sarah...
And Phoebe's got a secret
No one can know
Since, mem ...
What?
(Speaking)
PHOEBE: Sorry, I have to go to the bathroom
SUSAN: I know you have to go to the bathroom. You can't hold it in for like a minute?
PHOEBE: I don't know, I mean...
SUSAN: This song is for you, it's just like somebody gives you something, you don't ...
PHOEBE: I know
SUSAN: Shit all over it, you know. You can't hold it in for one minute until it's almost over?
PHOEBE: OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
SUSAN: Alright. It's OK. Uh, I've come to see a show

(Singing)
Phoebe's got a secret no one can know
Since, memory helps me empathize
Like remembering when my
Puppy died
And how it gave me diarrhea
Cus he died!

Phoebe's got diarrhea and
She doesn't know how to
Tell the band
Will they kick her out?
Make her stay?
Nobody should have to live that way
And it's gonna be a mess either way
And the grass is always brown is what they say
And it's gonna be a mess ....
A diarrhea-style mess
Any way-ay-ay-ay
(Susan hold on to the last note for a long time while in the background Phoebe's making sounds of trying to hold in her diarrhea)
Way!