No Lock On The Door

[Intro (spoken)]
This is a song about man's inhumanity to man
On the gents toilets in my local boozer

[Verse 1]
Before the pub tonight, I had a Vesta curry
I've been on the Guinness, I drank 'em in a hurry
Now I don't feel well, and there's nowhere else to choose
I'll have to do me business In the pub loos

[Chorus]
There's no toilet paper, no toilet seat
In the next cubicle there's two pairs of feet
And I hope this is water covering the floor
And I'm whistling 'cause there's no lock on thе door

[Verse 2]
I'd kill for Domestos or a toilet brush
The graffiti in hеre would make Frankie Boyle blush
Someone's written "for a good time here's a number to call"
Hang on, that's my phone number on the wall!

[Chorus]
There's no toilet paper, no toilet seat
In the next cubicle there's two pairs of feet
And I hope this is water covering the floor
And I'm whistling 'cause there's no lock on the door

*whistling interrupted*
Woah hang on, there's someone in 'ere mate!

[Verse 3]
I need to finish, it's more than I can bear
But it's hard to go when you're crouching in mid air
With your trousers round your ankles, it's hard to be discreet
And I'm gonna have wipe with a Tesco's receipt

[Chorus]
There's no toilet paper, no toilet seat
In the next cubicle there's two pairs of feet
And I hope this is water covering the floor
And I'm whistling 'cause there's no lock on the door

[Verse 4]
My eyes are streaming, what can I say?
The conditions are better in Guantanamo Bay
I need toilet paper and saving from this hell
But the Andrex puppy's fainted because of the smell

[Chorus]
There's no toilet paper, no toilet seat
In the next cubicle there's two pairs of feet
And I hope this is water covering the floor
And I'm whistling 'cause there's no lock on the door

[Outro (spoken)]
Well, when you've gotta go, you've gotta go