Not Alone

I remember the rosary, the Catechism, and the stations of the cross,
the plenary indulgence and i know it isn't this.
Depression and nightmares and panic through and through.
Although i have been successful, there is always more to do.
There are many things i know i have done to help me to survive,
but i will never tell anyone as long as i am alive.
It seems at times there is no way out, not any to escape,
because of abuse and turmoil and trauma and of rape.
I feel eyes upon me every minute of the day,
hiding all around me, i turn my head away.
I've seen them in my bedroom when i am exhausted and done.
I've been seeing them for years, but i've never told anyone.
I am walking into doors and walls 'cause i am not all there.
I've split from a reality, of what i didn't want to share.
I can tune out conversations and with what the outside world is.
Then sex just didn't matter in my relationships.
You can't rely on feelings when love and trust is first betrayed.
I enter sexual situations, i didn't even want to make.
'Cause i was anxious, i was bored, or any non-sexual need.
When abuse is matched with affection or protection it misleads.
I say, "Drop what you do and listen, 'cause now it's me that calls the shots."
This is the sign of a life out of control adults.
I sometimes drink to oblivion, in spite of what i know.
I sometimes create chaos anywhere i go.
Always anxious, always have to move to help me to forget feelings
of little value or humiliation yet.
Because there was no one there for me, i expect people to leave.
So, i repeatedly test them and this is what you've done to me.
I know they way i've overworked myself has turned out positively
and that many other people don't have my opportunities,
but goodness, yeah, you can make it.
You are well on your way to heal,
because you already know it, and you already know the deal.
You are not alone, this is sadism, and this is not your fault.
And who would choose to live through this, so it is not yours at all,
and you know this was given to you,
so let's put it out of your home
and you know that this is not yours, and you are not alone.