too numb to title this

Lonely
Can't nobody own me
Gave up on myself so now I'm focused on the only
Thing that I could use as a distraction, yeah, the shows
And the ho's, G, making me forget about the OGs
My social life half as empty as my soul be
And when I need emotional moments
I always look around to make sure I'm alone here
I keep holding it, focused, I can't show that I'm broken
Sometimes when I feel sad I just hold it and grow it
It feels good because I feel something
At the same time
I'm closed off from everyone, I feel nothing
Happy on rainy days, it's peaceful, I'm still running
From unjust pain so I provoke it to myself
Emotionally, I fill my head with pollution
But it feels like a relief cuz I'm the cause and solution
Scary how easy it is to have this distribution

Started music edits, wish I had total control of it
Linkin Park, NWA got me in sync
Listening to The Incredible True Story
I like these albums that feel like a movie, I think
About my own story, it'd be so cool if I could write it
If I could rap like they can rap, create a story and rhyme it
Maybe I'll make a song I'm too numb to title
Or maybe like Egyptians, I'm just living near denial
But I wonder
What would everyone think?
Never really cared, if I'm that worried, just don't tell 'em, huh
I'll tell 'em eventually, of course
I'm tired of the force I use to go to school every day

I don't even see any meaning in life
I don't really wanna talk with anybody this morning
Just wanna be alone, play Rocket League 'till it's night
Killing my connections, leave my body in mourning
And I ain't even realize
Real lies
To just about everyone, I'm living in my own world
The only thing in me that's still real? Eyes
Pretend to go to school, when dad leaves I just sneak-by
And stay home just so I can be alone
Kate calls, Snowy too, I don't answer the phone
My brother's in school, the babysitter is gone
I have seven hours to myself, this is gold

My dad started dating tho...
I don't know how I feel about it
I'm very happy for him, plus maybe he'll chill around here
As long as it doesn't affect me then I'm chill about it
I won't lose sleep for that reason, I'm still without it
Losing all the love for daily things
Even kicking 'round with the ball on my feet
I used to love as a kid
The truth is I think I'm as numb as you get

And my crush
She got a boyfriend
But even when she didn't, I don't think she would've liked me
Cuz I'm a shy guy who hasn't hit his peak yet
The only thing for me is athleticism and sometimes I'm funny and nice
I guess, but it's a funny side I get to show people more not than often
Stay quiet, when I speak I just talk with caution
Face gets like Ahsoka, resort to Dawson
Maybe in a few years I'll resort to DAWs, son
My posture soften, my face is like I stocked a coffin
Plus Stockholm shocked us
They'd rather a jock than the guy who's not hot, but honest
I guess it's the game, ain't got it locked, you lost 'em
Plus, I got bad habits, it's a lot accustomed
Sacked from football cuz I lost my focus
And the motivation gone, I'm deadlocked in costumes

Can't fly, wings cut, what if I killed myself?
Look down the window Mom used to do the same
Night time, cars parked, no one here to save
Street dark
But still lighter than the cage on my mind
That I wanna be free from
But it's a long fall, I have time to delay
Now my heart is beating as I'm grabbing a swiss-blade
This on the back of my head ever since the sixth-grade
Never wanted therapy but maybe if I did
Right now I wouldn't even wanna be dead
Or is it hormones and I'll regret when it's too late?
Plus, this has gotta hurt, I don't think I'm gonna do it

Being a pussy saved my life
Nah, bro, now I have to do it
Wait, I shouldn't kill myself over ego
Suicide, this what got us broken
Now what, I'm gonna give us a sequel?
No, my brother can't go through what I have
Oh my God, my brother, he's everything I have
I close the knife and go pocket it fast
I will never kill myself, okay, now I'm feeling glad
I think I know what Mom went through, at least the thoughts before it
But everyone is different, why did she go for it?
Does this mean that I'm better than her in this instance?
No, the pedestal she's in is too distant
What she did left me sad, but it's a lesson learned
No matter how hard it is, I won't give up, I'll burn
Through this feeling of sadness and try to be happy
Maybe I'll keep writing on my notes to this rap beat