Campaign Speech
Jumped out of the second floor of a record store
With a Treacherous Four cassette and a cassette recorder
In Ecuador with Edward Norton
Witness the metamorphosis of a legend growin' like an expert swordsman
From the Hessian war and hence the origin of the headless horseman
Born with the endorphin's of a pathetic orphan
Endless sores and reservoir of extension cords in dresser drawers
And deadbolts on the bedroom doors
And sexual torture kits kept in a separate storage bin
Excellent boyfriend
Use intercourse to settle scores with women who have been vendettas towards men
Dickhead is forced in to the shredded foreskin
Red is torn and they're only bein' fed a portion
Bed sores in sore shins
Pregnant whores can get abortions
Fetish for stickin' metal forks in
Self absorption
Skeletor, I went to hell and fell a floor
A predator, I'm headed for competitors
Better warn 'em, what I lack in tact and a set of morals
I make up for in metaphors like a cosmetic store
Stegosaurus
Chuck Norris with a thesaurus
Yes of course, I mess up once
You want some? Come and get some, boys
I'm givin' Daniel Pantaleo a refresher course
On excessive force and pressure points
And dressin' George Zimmerman in a fluorescent orange
Dress and four inch heels to address the court
With a bullseye on his back
His whole chest and torso
Are left on the doorsteps of Trayvon's dad as a present for him
In my present form I'm desert storm
Appetite for destruction is no suppressant for
Aggressive, forceful, and less remorseful in every morsel
Unpleasant, horrible, hello gorgeous
The rebel with devil horns just fell off the yellow short bus
Met a contortionist, said, "When you wanna get sexual?"
She said, "However I fit in your schedule, I'm flexible"
Expired tags on the Saturn
Got Kathryn Beck in the back in Daisy Dukes with the hazards on
At a traffic stop gettin' harassed, sign an autograph
For this asshole cop's daughter, laugh 'cause I called her a brat on it
He spat on it and brought it back lookin' half in shock
Had a heart attack and dropped dead
Started fallin' back with it and got slapped with a Colin Kaepernick practice sock
One ball and half a dick, Apple Watch
Crack for an axle, walked in a Bass Pro Shop with David Hasselhoff
Pulled Tabasco sauce out of my satchel
Knocked over a fisherman's tackle box and
Asked if they had a laugh in stock
That was fuckin' stupid...
You got it twisted
All 'cause I offered this bitch a doggie biscuit you call me misogynistic
Bitch get to massagin' this dick
Like spas in this bitch
Slob on it with gobs of lipstick
Got a shoppin' list for you to run some odds and ends with
It's not a bitch on this earth I can be monogamous with
She's non-existent
Robin Thicke with a throbbin' dick on some swab and slick shit
But I shout derogatives at bitches like fuckin' missile launches
Misfit, blond and nitwit like I've gone ballistic
With a frostin' tip kit
Screamed, "I hate blondes," and became one
I'm optimistic
Love to start shit
Shovin' Clark Kent's undergarments in the glove compartment
Of the bucket, bumpin' Bubba Sparxxx
I'm double parkin' up at Targets
Trouble 'cause a double cross
The shadiest mothafucka you'll ever come across
Olympic gymnast, been known for some assaults
A couple lawsuits, enough to 'cause a stomach ulcer
Same damn brain scan results
As Rainman's is
Something's awful when Dustin Hoffman's
Dressin' up in your mummy costume
On stage dancin' to "Brain Damage"
What's the problem?
Nothing's wrong, the name brand is back to reclaim status
Run the faucet, I'm about to dunk a bunch of Trump supporters underwater
Snuck up on 'em in Ray Bans in a gray van with a spray tan
It's a wrap like an Ace bandage
Don't-give-a-fuck persona
To my last DNA strand, E&J in the waistband
At the VMAs with the stagehand
She wants kielbasa
Pre-arrange an escape plan
Three inch blade on point like a Sensei
Consider me a dangerous man but you should be afraid of this dang candidate
You say Trump don't kiss ass like a puppet
'Cause he runs his campaign with his own cash for the fundin'
And that's what you wanted
A fuckin' loose cannon who's blunt with his hand on the button
Who doesn't have to answer to no one
Great idea!
If I was president
Gettin' off is the first order of business
Once I get in office
Second thing that'll make me happy's walkin' up to Uncle Sam
Naked, laughing, dick cupped in hand
Screamin', "Fuck safe sex," throw a latex and an AIDS test at him
Tell Congress I run this land
And I want the rubber banned
And make it snappy
Addiction to friction and static
Addict who can't escape the habit
It's in you to chase the dragon
But as fate would have it
I walked up in major Magics
Dressed as the maintenance man
In a laser tag vest and a racin' jacket
With a gauge to blast it
And sped away in the station wagon
Stacey Dash's and Casey Anthony's crazy asses in the backseat
Throwin' Stay-Free pads at me
Dead passenger in the passenger seat
Unfasten the safety latches
And slam on the brakes in traffic so hard
I snapped the relocation brackets for the monster tires
Finna get a murder case and catch it
Like you threw it at me encased in plastic
And send Dylan Roof through the windshield of the Benz
Until he spins like a pinwheel and begins feelin'...
Like a windmill with a thin bill while his skin's peelin'
And skids 'til he hits a cement pillar
Swing for the fence like Prince Fielder
Knock it into the upper peninsula
You want to go against zilla? The Rap God
When will I quit? Never been realer
The in-stiller of fear, not even a scintilla of doubt
Whose pens iller than Prince in a chinchilla
Or Ben Stiller in a suspense thriller
Revenge killer of bin syllable binge
Fill a syringe, 'till I
Draw first blood
Even pop shit on my pop shit, and it's popular
Couldn't be more awkwarder
'Cause you're innocence I robbed you of
It's my fingers that got stuck up
Tortured a, not give a
Slapstick, hockey puck
The board hunter with the sawed off
Like an arm when it's lopped off
But I'm not gonna, get the shotgun
Or the Glock, I'm gonna opt for the ox
'Cause I'm into objects that are sharp when I sharpen
It's not a shock, I'm such an obnoxious fucker
The rock cuts into rock 'cause who would have thought
This much of a cocksucker that go across the buttocks of Vivica Fox with a box cutter
That was for 50, little slap on the wrist be warned
I'm unravelling quickly
My squabbles, I'm grappling with your time traveling with me
Try and follow, as I wobble, relapse into history, with a flask of the whiskey
Tip it back then I'm twisting wine bottles
Like what happened to Chris Reeves spine column
That's the plan of attack when I'm fixing my problems
Wish my chest wasn't having to get these rhymes off 'em
But the fact that I have so many rappers against me mind boggles
And why I had to come back on these faggots who diss me
More of a spectacular mystery than a fucking Agatha Christie crime novel
But my patience is wearing thin
Swear I been contemplating rubbing shit in your face 'till I smear it in
Diss you in every lyric until you fear the pen
And never appear again
If you actually had fucking careers to end
But then I think of Molly Qerim and I steer 'em in that direction and forget my ideas for them
Molly I'm gone off you
Man light some kush
You're my first take, I'll nail you
Can't lie, I gush
If I won you over, you would be the grand prize
I'm entranced by your looks, come and give the Shady franchise a push
You can get it in a can like some Anheuser Busch
Jeans too small, least three pant sizes tush
Mushed against your damn side, you puss
And thighs are squooshed
What kind of attires that?
I'm ready to be rode
Psychopath, bet you we'll get it popping like a flat
Light the match to ignite the wrath
Got knives to slash and slice hermaphrodites in half
Piper Chapmans might just have to picket me
Like a scab
Hard to describe in fact
Startling violent perhaps
Are things that come to mind as soon as I start spitting rhymes like that
And you aren't really surprised at that
But as far as these lines I rap
And these bars, wouldn't dial it back if I star 69'ed the track
Why am I such a dick?