If You Were Gay

Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book
"Broadway Musicals of the 1940s"
No roommate to bother me
How could it get any better than this?

Oh, hi, Rod
Hi, Nicky

Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me

Hmm, that's very interesting

He was being real friendly
And I think he was coming on to me
I think he might've thought I was gay

Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Hmm, why should I care?
I don't care
What did you have for lunch today?

Oh, you don't have to get all defensive, Rod
I'm not getting defensive
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I am trying to read

Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about

Well, I don't want to talk about it Nicky
This conversation is over
Yeah, but Rod
Over

Well, okay, but just so you know
If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean 'cause, hey
I'd like you anyway (ugh)
Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free to say that I was gay (but I'm not gay)

Nicky, please, I am trying to read
What?

If you were queer
Ah, Nicky
I'd still be here
Nicky, I am trying to read this book
Year after year
Nicky

Because you're dear to me
Argh
And I know that you
What?
Would accept me too
I would?

If I told you today
"Hey, guess what? I'm gay" (but I'm not gay)
I'm happy just being with you
High button shoes, Pal Joey
So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?
Nicky, that is gross
No, it's not
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray
I am not listening

And here I'd stay
La, la, la, la, la
But I wouldn't get in your way

Aah

You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day
To tell you it's okay
You were just born that way
And, as they say it's in your DNA
You're gay
I am not gay

If you were gay
Argh