The Money Song

[NICKY]
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!--
Oooh! Hey Princeton!

(sung)
Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton,
It's as easy as that!
Helping others brings
You closer to God,
So give me a quarter...

[PRINCETON]
I don't have any change.

[NICKY]
Hmmm.
Okay, give me a dollar.

[PRINCETON]
That's not what I meant.

[NICKY]
Give me a five!

[PRINCETON]
Are you kidding?

[NICKY]
The more you give
The more you get.
That's being alive!
All I'm asking you
Is to do what Jesus Christ
Would do:
He'd give me a quarter --
Why don't you?

(spoken)
[PRINCETON]
All right, all right, here you go.

(he puts money in Nicky's hat)
[NICKY]
Ahh, thanks!

[PRINCETON]
Take care. Whoa!

[NICKY]
What's the matter?

[PRINCETON]
I feel -- generous!
I feel -- compassionate!

[NICKY]
You do?

[PRINCETON]
Yeah! I feel like a new person -- a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

[NICKY]
That's what I've been trying to tell you --

[PRINCETON]
All this time I've been running around thinking about
Me, me, me -- and where has it gotten me!
I'm gonna do something for someone else!

[NICKY]
Me?

[PRINCETON]
No -- Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid
Monster School she's always talking about!

(sung)
Give me your money!
[NICKY]
What?!

[PRINCETON]
I need it for Kate!

[NICKY]
I need it to eat!

[PRINCETON]
Come on, Nicky!

[NICKY]
Aww, get lost!

[PRINCETON]
It'll make you feel great!

[NICKY]
So would a burger!

[PRINCETON]
When her dream comes true,
It'll all be partly
Thanks to you, so
Give me your money!

[NICKY]
I'd like to, but I can't!

[PRINCETON]
Give me your money!

[NICKY]
I'd like to, but I need it!

[PRINCETON]
Give me your money!

[NICKY]
I'd like to, but I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!

(Princeton slaps Nicky)
[NICKY]
Okay, here ya go.

[PRINCETON]
Thank you!

[NICKY]
Suddenly, I am feeling
Closer to God.
It's time to stop begging!
It's time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?

Something he'll like so much he'll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!

[PRINCETON]
That's the spirit!

[PRINCETON AND NICKY]
When you help others,
You can't help helping yourself!
When you can't help others,
You can't help helping yourself!

(spoken)
[GARY COLEMAN]
Hey boys, what's the hat for?

[NICKY]
Ooh, we're collecting money!

[PRINCETON]
It's for Kate! We're raising money to build her dream school!

(sung)
Give us your money!
[NICKY]
You'll be glad that you did!

[GARY COLEMAN]
That's just what my parents
Told me when I was a kid!
Shit!

[NICKY]
But giving feels so great...

[GARY COLEMAN]
And I bet it wouldn't hurt your chances with Kate.

[PRINCETON]
Well, that too.

[GARY COLEMAN]
I'll give you a dollar.

[PRINCETON]
You're a gentleman and a scholar!

(spoken)
[CHRISTMAS EVE]
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!

[BRIAN]
Honey, don't tell them that!

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
We get about two thousand bucks!

[BRIAN]
Uh, yeah. So -- thanks, everybody!

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
We rich!

(sung)
[PRINCETON]
Give us your money!

[NICKY]
Give us your money!

[GARY COLEMAN]
Give us your goddamned money!

[PRINCETON]
Give us the dough!

[GARY AND NICKY]
Give us the dough!

[PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY]
We're raising money for
A monster school,
But we've got a ways to go!

[PRINCETON]
Sounds like you've got
Money to burn...

[NICKY]
And it's not like money that
You had to earn...

[PRINCETON, GARY AND NICKY]
So give us your money --

(spoken)
[CHRISTMAS EVE]
A Monster School?

[BRIAN]
Sounds like a good cause.

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Give me your wallet.

[PRINCETON]
Oh my gosh! I don't know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful... that kind of money
Is such a great start...

(she hands Gary some cash)
[GARY COLEMAN]
Yeah! Fifteen dollars!

[PRINCETON]
Fifteen dollars?

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Every little bit help!

[NICKY]
Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!

(they turn to the audience and pass the hate)
(sung)
[ALL]
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you've got!
Just fork it on over...

[GARY COLEMAN]
Or some puppets will get shot!

[PRINCETON]
Hey!

[ALL]
It's time to pass the hat

[GARY COLEMAN]
And there' snothing you can do 'bout that.

[ALL]
So
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
When you help others,
You can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do good deeds
You're also serving your own needs.
When you help others,
You're really helping yourself!
When you give to a worthy cause,
You'll feel as jolly as Santa Claus.
When you help others,
You can't help helping yourself!