There Is Life Outside Your Apartment

[BRIAN]
Princeton!

[PRINCETON]
Yeah.

[BRIAN]
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that?

[PRINCETON]
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing on the phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian --
I still haven't found my purpose!

[BRIAN]
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together to mess around the city today.

[PRINCETON]
Have fun.

[BRIAN]
When I say "everyone", that includes you!

(sung)
There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool shit to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!

(spoken)
[PRINCETON]
No, thanks, I'm staying in.

[BRIAN]
Don't tell me I gotta force you.

[PRINCETON]
Sorry!

[BRIAN]
All right everyone! He's resisting!

(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton
up and drag him outside)

(sung)
[ALL BUT PRINCETON]
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
your apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Eww.

[BRIAN]
There's a girl passing by

[NICKY]
No, I think it's a guy

[ALL BUT PRINCETON]
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!

(they enter the subway)
[ALL BUT PRINCETON]
We could go to the zoo!

[TREKKIE MONSTER]
Pick up girls at NYU!

[BRIAN]
We could sit in the park smoking pot!

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Or not!

[ALL BUT PRINCETON]
There is life outside your apartment

[PRINCETON]
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!

(*gunshot*, everyone screams and runs)
[ALL]
There is life outside your apartment
I know --

(*loud jackhammer* -- they cover their ears and swear)
There is life outside your apartment
(they look up in horror)
[OFFSTAGE VOICE]
I'm gonna jump!

[ALL]
Don't do it!

[OFFSTAGE VOICE]
Okay!

[ALL]
There is cool shit to do
but it can't come to you
So come on --

(*car screeches to a halt*)
[OFFSTAGE VOICE]
Get out of the way asshole!

[PRINCETON]
Fuck you!

[ALL]
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the lotto or make a friend...

(Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton)
[GUYS]
Take her home to see your apartment...

[LUCY]
Do you want to feel special?

[GUYS]
Special!

[LUCY]
I can see that you do.

[GUYS]
Ooooh-wah!

[LUCY]
Well, I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.

[GUYS]
She'll feel you!

[LUCY]
Where's your pad?

[PRINCETON]
Not too far!

[GUYS]
We could call you a car!

[PRINCETON]
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

[ALL]
There's life outside your apartment...

[PRINCETON AND LUCY]
But now it's time to go home!

[GROUP]
There is life outside your apartment...

[PRINCETON]
It's time to go home!

[GROUP]
There is life outside your apartment...

[LUCY]
I can make you feel special...

[GROUP]
There is life outside your apartment...

[ALL]
But now it's time to go home

[TREKKIE MONSTER]
For porn!