I Just Wanna Know Home

(Verse One)
Let’s go back when I was young
I was mommy’s special son
I was safe inside my bubble
Never got in any trouble
My dad at work, days at a time
I would just stay home and cry
My family had their plans laid out
They didn’t have an ounce of doubt
Some would say I was obsessed
And that is when I got depressed
I fixated on female forms
I didn’t know why I was torn
Had no idea who I was
On autopilot just because
Old memories appeared in waves
I won’t ever forget that day
Like slamming bodies, slapping sounds
The pounding noise, she hit the ground
I still hear it to this day
That moment will not go away
Rewind a tad, my coming out
The day my mom and me went south
I did not come out by choice
A cop came in and took my voice
From there I finally found myself
But wearing heels would hurt my health
Had to get ready in the school
And change right back, that was the rule
She called the school and kicked me out
I looked for love, a different route
I soon learned family’s not just blood
And memories will come in floods

(Pre Chorus 1)
I seek belonging in a stranger
Never see a thread of danger
Give so many all my trust
For them to say it’s not enough
Self sabotage, my favorite game
Before the demons had a name
I’m addicted, wreck, destroy
My life became my favorite toy
As a kid, I played quite rough
But deep down I was never tough
I’m delicate just like a flower
Isolated in my tower
I cannot do this all alone but
I have no place to call home
If I must do this for myself
I’ll put my motive on the shelf

(Chorus)
All the time I feel alone
I feel it deep within my bones
Even though my secrets show
I act like my heart’s made of stone
All the time, I feel so lost
For guidance, I would pay the cost
Hoping rawness won’t get crossed
In this wicked world of frost
All the time I feel depressed
I’m never feeling at my best
The demons are no longer guests
They’ve moved in and they’ve laid to rest
All the time I feel alone
I feel it deep within my bones
Even though I’m fully grown
I just wanna know home

(Verse Two)
Back to the story, second chance
At a family, change my stance
I’ve had friends all through the years
We’ve laughed, we’ve fought, we’ve shed some tears
But no one really stays forever
Over time you get less clever
Ruined things that felt so good
I always knew i never should
But I couldn’t control myself
There was a flaw within my health
I could list the fancy terms
But there’s no point just to affirm
I am best at lies and hiding
Secrets no one’s ever finding
Wrecked and hid, deflected blame
Every move was all the same
But now it feels that hope is lost
I know I’m not but I felt crossed
Relied on them for eight long years
I disregarded all my fears
Slowly we had become friends
But like all friends, I found an end
I realized I’m not unique
Face in the crowd, so fucking bleak
The sun goes down, I feel alone
Breathe in breathe out, pick up the phone
I call some people, no replies
Just endless silence screaming why
I know i did this to myself
I know that dwelling will not help
And in the end, I just give up
Then pour more wisdom in my cup

(Pre Chorus 2)
I seek love from anyone
Or even just a little fun
I take pills, i cut my thighs
I cannot look you in the eyes
There’s so much damage to our path
All because I craved my wrath
The things you want to say but don’t
I wish you’d stay but know you won’t
People only care in death
Gone when I take a single breath
But once I breathe I’m on my own
Into the land of the unknown
I wish I didn’t need your help
Wish I could do this by myself
I’ve made it so I had no choice
I’m all alone with just my voice

(Chorus)
All the time I feel alone
I feel it deep within my bones
Even though my secrets show
I act like my heart’s made of stone
All the time, I feel so lost
For guidance, I would pay the cost
Hoping rawness won’t get crossed
In this wicked world of frost
All the time I feel depressed
I’m never feeling at my best
The demons are no longer guests
They’ve moved in and they’ve laid to rest
All the time I feel alone
I feel it deep within my bones
Even though I’m fully grown
I just wanna know home

(Bridge)
I act like I’m okay with this
I act like I don’t look for bliss
Act like I’m not drowning in lies
I act like one day I can rise
But really I don’t see much hope
I really don’t know how to cope
I really cannot wait for change
I just don’t know, I’m too afraid
I just wanna know my home
Not always feel so damn alone
Not always feel the need to roam
Not always living on my own
I just want to find my place
Not always on an endless chase
No matter poverty or wealth
I need to find home in myself